I’ve always been a girl’s girl. Throughout childhood I gravitated towards friendships with girls, and later in life, with women. I have also always been fiercely competitive. I can’t remember a time in my life I didn’t want to win. Yet over the years, I’ve found myself identifying certain other women as nemeses: I’ve been jealous at what they have accomplished and used their success as a stick to beat myself with. The competition has varied and is not limited to career success: a baby that slept through the night before mine? She is a better mother. A tinier body? She is more disciplined. A side hustle that bloomed into a real business? She’s braver and smarter than me. 

Alongside the shame of not having achieved X random thing, I am riddled with guilt for competing with them in the first place. I am a feminist, I am part of a sisterhood, I should NOT be competing with other women! 

When women compete, we’re made to believe that it’s distasteful and bad.  We are out to destroy each other through gossip, exclusion and bitchiness. Streaming networks have built empires on the back of women fighting on reality television, because mean girls sell. Women, we’re shown over and over again, are terrible to each other. But oh so entertaining. 

On the flip side, competition between men has been not only accepted but actively encouraged

I’m fortunate to work alongside both women and men, which given the historically male-dominated nature of the industry I’m a part of, is refreshing. 

Recently I had a difference of opinion with a close female colleague and when I went to a male colleague to talk about it, his response was: “you women just can’t work together”. 

I have heard the line “women can’t work together” countless times in my career – from both men and women. But on top of it being dismissive and lazy, it is also a very dangerous self-perpetuating narrative. How convenient is it for women to take themselves out of the competition, pull back and sit back quietly, guiltily, shamefully because we’ve been too aggressive, too demanding, too competitive?  

Why do we take something normal – human psychology based on survival instincts – and use it as a weapon against women? We use it as a reason to explain why women can’t work together, why we can’t have uncomplicated friendships, why we back-stab each other – ultimately why there can’t be too many of us in a work environment. 

Competition between females is much the same as that between males. We might do it in different ways, but at the heart of it lies a simple human instinct, one that we credit with our survival. It should not come as a surprise that women can – and will – compete with each other (and with men!). And we should not feel shamed for it. The hypocrisy in labelling female competition as bad, and male competition as normal, is glaring.  

The fact is that women, like men, want to win. Some women, like some men, more than others. Competition is gender neutral. It is purely and entirely human. 

I have had enough of thought leaders and scholars and the Real Housewives franchise telling and showing us that we are our own greatest enemies, that we are the ones holding each other back. I have had enough of feeling shame and guilt when I compete with other women – or other men – or anyone for that matter.

The deepest friendships I have had, the most honest and raw connections I’ve felt have been with other women – most of whom I have at one stage of my life competed with. Competing with each other is normal – it is not shameful. As long as we buy into the narrative that female rivalry is dangerous, we won’t pull women up alongside us. As long as we think women in groups can’t work together, we will avoid growing female teams in the workplace. As long as we continue to feel guilt and shame for competing, we will fight a natural human instinct and ultimately, hold ourselves back.